you know what? life update.

Well well well, life update time!

(It does say in the description ‘ramblings’, so if that’s what you’re here for then read on.)

On Tuesday I did my art exam. It was a whole five hours, so it meant a day off timetable (yay!). I did two A2 biro portraits of my sister, one normal portrait, and another overly edited. The first few hours whizzed by, and I thoroughly enjoyed it to be totally honest. Three hours -with a fifteen minute break- of uninterrupted art with no social interaction at all? Yes please. It was almost heaven apart from the fact that we couldn’t listen to music. Lunch went by, and the hard part came. The afternoon dragged so much, it was utterly mind-numbingly boring and my brain physically hurt from doing the same thing over. And over. And over. But, I got both of them done, so it was a productive day. I hope my grades okay.

Moving onto some not-so-okay grades, I got worst in my class for Science, and that kinda sucks. 15/50 when the average was 36 whooooooo!! Maybe I’m being too harsh on myself, because I passed and that’s good enough for me. But my relentless perfectionist mindset is like ‘NOOOOOOO LILY WHAT WERE YOU THINKING’ and I can tell you what I was thinking: not a lot. But you know what? Science sucks and I’m an English nerd anyway, there’s no chance of me taking anything but English or Art related subjects at A-level. Some of my friends are taking subjects they don’t enjoy and although I respect them I’m completely baffled, I couldn’t imagine-when given the choice- taking subjects I didn’t love with all my heart.

Today I spoke in front of my church. It was the kids and youth takeover service and I was leading. I was expecting to be bricking it, but I actually found that I was relatively calm, and it was actually quite exhilerating being up there. Some bits I really stumbled on, but other bits i thrived. I should hope so, I’ve watched so many TedTalks that public speaking should be simple to me. I’ve always liked the idea of being a public speaker, or doing something like that. I’ve always had so many emotions and so many messages I want to share with the world, so talking it out would be ideal, but because of school presentations going wrong I’ve always placed it out of my reach. Maybe I shouldn’t place it out of my reach, I need to learn that I’m capable.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, and although I’m so excited for Christmas and giving out presents and midnight mass and all that lovely stuff; there is not the same childish excitement this year. And I really want it back. I have a feeling it might kick in tomorrow to be honest, but I just want that childish euphoria back in my life, where I hype myself up to silly extents and to the point where Christmas is the only thing on my mind. Because the last few Christmases I’ve been the happiest I’ve ever been, and I’ve placed way too much pressure on myself to feel that same way. I don’t know whether it’s growing up, breaking up from school too late, or just simply circumstance. But I don’t feel it, and I want to feel it, but I shouldn’t be mad for not feeling it.

I’ve been feeling more productive lately. Not productive doing the right things, but productive with blogging and art and things that are beneficial to my emotional wellbeing i.e. not school. But blogging is really enjoyable, I love doing it and ideas are constantly whizzing through my mind like no tomorrow. Sometimes I lose my train of thought mid sentence because I’ve just had a new idea I need to write down. I’m literally constantly writing or creating and I’ve finally got somewhere where my creativity can manifest itself in blog-post form. I can’t figure out whether I like this relatively colloquial set-up, that’s more lifestyle based, or the factual news-reporter thing. I’d appreciate comments down below with opinions but I know I probably won’t get much of the sort.

Hmmmmm, what else? I’m off social media, and I have been for two weeks. I can probably pin my productivity down to that to be totally honest. I deleted it in a flurry of panic before school. Id been contemplating taking it off for a few months now, and I don’t know why I did it that particular day, but I’ve been officially social media free for 1 week and 6 days. I can safely say I’m talking to 1 person out of the 7 I talked to regularly, so occasionally I feel kinda lonely. But I think I’ve worked out I’m a massive introvert at heart, even though I’ve just about worked out how to socialise like a normal human being. This means that being a literal hermit is working quite well for me. Don’t get me wrong, there hasn’t been the radical changes I was particularly expecting, but it’s working out okay for me, and I am going to quite happily reach the day after Boxing Day, then reconsider the whole ‘permanent’ thing.

Another thing I’m considering is getting confirmed. I think I might do a whole other blog post about this. My church is running a confirmation service on the 27th of January and there is a class running before that, but I don’t know whether I’m ready. I don’t know whether I am at the point of accepting God into my life on my own terms. I feel like I sin too much, I feel like I’m not confident to be honest about my faith, I feel like putting it into practice is such a daunting thing. I just feel like everyone’s on a journey, and if it’s on a journey to the North Pole then I’m somewhere on Jupiter. But, if what they say is true, God wants me even though I’m on Jupiter, and he’s going to guide me to North Pole. But I don’t know, I’m going round and round and round in circles. I could do with some advice on that too.

So, there we go. A ranty rambly life update from me, if you enjoyed please leave a like comment or follow. Thanks guys!